What Helps, What Hurts: 3 Ways to Connect with Care to the Bereaved

Practical ways to support someone in grief without adding pressure or unintentionally causing harm.

In the past two weeks, two dear family members died, one of whom was my grandmother, a Holocaust survivor who lived to 98 years old.

Death can be a heavy topic, but supporting those in mourning is an essential part of understanding the full lifecycle of connection. The following suggestions focus on the loss of someone who has lived to an older age, rather than the loss of someone younger or who died by suicide.

Below are three considerations as you navigate showing up for those who are grieving. Everyone experiences mourning differently, and your response may vary depending on your relationship with the bereaved.

1. Toxic Positivity

Avoid saying, “You were lucky to have had this person in your life for as long as you did,” or “You should be grateful for the time you had.”

Early in the grieving process, it is not helpful to reframe loss in a positive light. Even when someone has lived a long life, grief can be deeply painful. Statements like these may unintentionally dismiss the very real emotions someone is experiencing.

People who are grieving often do feel gratitude, especially if the relationship was loving. They may also feel anger, sadness, confusion, or even relief. All of these emotions are natural and valid.

Instead, consider saying:
“Would it feel supportive to share a memory or tell me about them?”

This creates space for the person to share what they choose, if they choose, on their own terms.

2. Emotional Labor

Avoid asking for frequent updates as the end of life nears unless you are in very close proximity or deeply involved.

Your intention may be to support, but repeated calls, texts, emails, or other communication in short spans of time that require emotional energy and mental clarity can create an added burden. Caregivers and loved ones may experience grief fatigue, leaving them physically and emotionally exhausted. Responding to multiple inquiries across many individuals can feel overwhelming during this time. Similarly, asking detailed logistical questions can feel insensitive. Instead, offer a simple message that does not require a response. For example: “I’m thinking of you and sending my love.”

There will be time in the months ahead to hear more. For now, your role is to reduce, not add to, their emotional load.

3. Grief Is Not Linear, Hierarchical, or Predictable

Avoid making assumptions about how someone feels or how long their grief should last.

A friend whose father had passed away shared this response when I asked about her grief:  “It’s harder a year later. After a few months, it can feel like you just haven’t seen them in a while. When a year passes, it really hits that they are not coming back.”

Grief evolves over time. It can deepen, shift, or resurface unexpectedly.

Relationships are also complex. Losing someone you had a strained relationship with can be just as painful, or even more so, than losing someone you felt close to. Sometimes, a chosen family member may be grieved more deeply than a blood relative.

The truth is, you may not fully understand the depth or nature of someone else’s grief.

Instead, speak from your own place of care. You might say:
“I love you.”
“I’m here.”
“I’m thinking of you.”
“I’m holding you in my heart.”
“When you’re ready, I’m here to help with anything you need. I don’t expect you to share anything right now.”

Later on, open-ended questions and shared memories may feel supportive as well.

You may also consider tools like CaringBridge, a platform where families can share updates, coordinate support, and invite their community into meaningful end-of-life rituals. It can reduce the need for repeated communication while keeping people connected.

Another helpful note: hospice programs offer bereavement counseling for family members. Many people are not aware of how accessible and impactful this resource can be for grieving loved ones.

Presence Over Perfection

It can be tempting to step back during times of mourning out of fear of saying the wrong thing, but absence can feel louder than imperfect presence.

Just as someone nearing the end of life may still feel the presence of those around them, a thoughtful message followed by space can communicate care in a considerate way. Learning how to respectfully participate in your friend’s or family member’s rituals around death may also feel helpful to mourners.

Grief does not end with a funeral. It often begins long before death through anticipatory grief, and it continues well beyond. At Found, we think about grief support as ongoing. Consider checking in at thoughtful intervals, or reflecting upon how other life events may influence someone’s grieving process months or years later. These moments, when others have stoped asking, can mean the most.