More than “My Boy”: The Need for Emotional Intimacy in Male Friendships
Last week, I indulged in a post-dinner catch-up call with a friend of nearly 20 years, savoring it like dessert wine for over three hours. Over the years, we chose to invest time, money, and planning efforts into maintaining our friendship. There's something sacred about friendships with this level of longevity. They know your chapters and your iterations, including who you are when you're just managing to get by. Sometimes they even coax out your younger self to play even when you’re in survival mode.
I am always thirsty for all the details in my friends’ lives. Further into our conversation, I asked her—maybe a little sheepishly—“How’s your dating life going?” It’s a question I often ask, while hoping not to come off as a nagging parent with an agenda or as if that was the only important aspect of her life.
I could imagine the frustrations she might be facing in today’s dating world. This time her response came with some corresponding journalism. She exclaimed, “Wait, have you heard the term mankeeping?” Then she told me about a recent New York Times article by Catherine Pearson titled “Why Women Are Weary of the Emotional Labor of Mankeeping.”
Later, after we hung up, I hit play on the audio version of the article.
Pearson cites survey data pointing to a steep decline in emotional intimacy within male friendships. In 1990, about 50% of men said they would turn to friends when facing a personal issue. A decade later, that number dropped to around 20%. Even more alarming: a growing number of men now report having no close friends at all (Pearson, 2025).
The term mankeeping, coined by Dr. Puzio Ferrara, who researches male friendships, describes a common dynamic, especially in straight relationships, where women serve as the primary (and often only) source of emotional support. They become the “emotional engine” in their partner’s life. This may look like reminding a partner to schedule time to connect with their friends, planning vacations, or being the one to raise important conversations to advance their relationships (Pearson, 2025).
This isn’t about blaming men. Pearson emphasizes that therapists and researchers see mankeeping as a tool for understanding a larger social dynamic. It’s an invitation for men to reflect, and take greater ownership of their emotional and relational lives.
Get ready for it: men need emotional intimacy too!
It doesn’t have to start with grand gestures. The experts say small steps matter. While many of the institutions where men organically and historically formed friendships are fading, there’s still opportunity—if men allow for vulnerability (Pearson, 2025). Real connection is possible, even now.
Recently, two friends of mine, both men, shared an endearing story. One of them accidentally typed “my joy!” instead of “my boy!” to the other during a text message conversation. While they recounted the story in a humorous way to suggest they wouldn’t have originally called each other that term on purpose, after watching them share space on a camping trip, I sense their friendship contains a fair share of admiration and affection. Now, they refer to each other as “my joy” in their bro-banter—with what I suspect is some loving truth. Love is love, right?
Some of my favorite emotional connections are with my close friends who are cisgender straight men. Why? I know they are pushing past the stigma, the gender norms, and the way they were enculturated to engage with emotional expression and depth, even if they find it more natural and enjoyable than society tells them they should. These men are also “keeping themselves”—not relying solely on their partners to do the majority of their social and emotional labor and sharing other forms of labor to sustain an equal (hopefully equitable) relationship.
I love that men show up to the ToGather series, dive into the conversation frameworks, and come back for more. They value that they can access a space to safely share their thoughts, feelings, and forge new connections with people of all genders. After our first gathering, Sean M shared with me, “This was everything I needed and didn’t realize I needed.” When men grow their healthy social bonds, we all benefit.
So, to the men out there:
What do you need in your friendships?
How do you currently show up for your friends?
Join us for the next ToGather on September 6th to explore this topic and find “your joy”!
Visit our Community Events and Workshops page to register.
Pearson, Catherine. “What Is ‘Mankeeping’?” The New York Times, 28 July 2025, https://www.nytimes.com/2025/07/28/well/family/mankeeping-definition.html. Accessed 11 Aug. 2025.